What NLP taught me about deductive thinking
A real-life story showing how deductive thinking and emotional assumptions can derail communication — and how NLP helps break destructive thought patterns.
How can a perfectly nice evening suddenly turn into a disastrous one?
A few weeks ago, Andrew and I were sitting together, planning our skiing holiday. It was already November, which felt a little late to plan for February. Still, we were excited. I suggested something different this year — skiing in Japan or South Korea instead of our usual trips to Europe. The idea felt fresh, adventurous, and inspiring. We started exploring ski resorts and travel options, and for a while, the mood was great.
Then I noticed something shift.
Andrew became disengaged and visibly annoyed. I asked him what was wrong and gently invited him to share what was on his mind. Instead of answering, he excused himself to the bathroom. That didn’t sit well with me. I pointed out that I could sense he didn’t want to talk. Eventually, he said he’d explain tomorrow.
There was still an entire evening ahead of us — but the atmosphere froze. I moved to the kitchen and kept myself busy. He stayed on the couch, focused on his laptop. Eventually, I said I was going to bed.
What started as a pleasant evening of holiday planning quietly turned into emotional distance and tension.
What went wrong?
Was it a lack of communication? A lack of understanding?
From my perspective, nothing had been said — so what exactly was I supposed to understand?
Looking back, this moment is a textbook example of what NLP calls deductive thinking.
Almost immediately, my mind jumped to conclusions. I assumed the issue was about me — a classic case of mind reading, where we believe we know what another person is thinking, usually in relation to ourselves. My thoughts spiraled quickly. Did I upset him? Did he not want to go on holiday with me? Did he just not want to say it out loud?
This soon turned into catastrophizing — believing that the worst-case scenario is inevitable. By the time I went to sleep, I exhausted myself emotionally with problems that didn’t yet exist.
Andrew, meanwhile, was caught in his own mental spiral.
When the past feels like the present
The next morning, Andrew finally explained what had happened.
When he opened his laptop the previous evening to check flight options, he noticed an email from his company. Just seeing the sender’s address triggered memories from the past — difficult, stressful experiences that had nothing to do with the present moment. In NLP terms, an event triggered stored memories, making the past feel like it was happening now.
He hadn’t even opened the email — yet he was already catastrophizing. He told me he felt not good enough, untrusted, and feared being called into management meetings like before. He was in prediction mode, convinced he knew what would happen next.
Once I stepped out of my own deductive thinking spiral, clarity returned. I reassured him: even if things changed at work, we would be fine. Life would go on.
Finally, we opened the email together.
Ironically, neither of us fully understood it — but it was certainly not what Andrew had imagined. Suddenly, all the imagined disasters dissolved. He wasn’t failing. He wasn’t losing his job. And yes — we could still go on vacation.
A happy ending — but an unnecessary emotional rollercoaster.
How often do we do this to ourselves?
How many times do we slip into deductive thinking without realizing it?
How often do we emotionally punish ourselves for scenarios that exist only in our minds?
The way out is simple — though not always easy: shift from emotion-driven assumptions to fact-based thinking.
In my case, the facts were clear: I hadn’t said anything wrong. So there was no reason to assume blame.
In Andrew’s case, the solution was to face the facts — even if they turned out to be uncomfortable. Facts are far easier to deal with than assumptions, which are often subjective, distorted, and false.
What NLP teaches us about thinking patterns
NLP offers practical techniques to pause, step out of emotional spirals, and engage inductive thinking — the ability to process information based on evidence rather than assumption.
The foundations of this model were laid by Virginia Satir, who identified that our thinking styles are learned habits. The way we interpret events is not fixed — it can be unlearned and reshaped.
We don’t control which thoughts pop into our minds.
But we do control which thoughts we focus on — and how we process them.
Growth begins with awareness.
When we understand how we internalize experiences and respond to them, we gain the power to interrupt destructive patterns and choose healthier ones.
And sometimes, that awareness is all it takes to turn a “disastrous evening” back into a meaningful connection.
If you recognize yourself in this story — the spiraling thoughts, the assumptions, the emotional reactions that feel real but aren’t grounded in facts — know that you’re not alone. Most of us were never taught how to observe our thinking patterns, let alone how to change them.
Coaching offers a space to slow down, step out of automatic reactions, and develop awareness around how you process situations, relationships, and challenges. With the right tools, it becomes possible to respond with clarity rather than emotion, and to make decisions from a place of intention instead of assumption.
If you’re curious to explore this for yourself, I invite you to reach out for a conversation. Not to fix anything — but to gain perspective, clarity, and choice.
Sometimes, all it takes is seeing the puzzle from a different angle.
